My Journey

It dawned on me recently, that I don’t know who I am.  I mean – truly don’t know who I am.  Yes, I am Leslie Allyn Holland Jackson, daughter of Brenda and WD Holland, sister to Eric Holland, and mom of Daniel Kent Jackson and Owen Chambers Holland, but WHO AM I? 

What is my favorite color?  Do I even HAVE a favorite color?  I love them all, and is it weird or unusual that I can’t pick just ONE?  If I were to design my dream house, which aesthetic would I choose?  Farm House?  Industrial?  Modern?  Beachy?  Boho?  Seriously – I love them ALL, and even thinking of having to decide that causes so much anxiety it is unreal.  Yes, I know these things are trivial – but those are the things I stress and obsess about – the trivial – while living in complete denial about a lot of the REAL problems in my life.

So here are some of the things that I do know (and these are in no particular order):

-         I love writing.  Whether it was notes in high school to friends, crushes or boyfriends, pouring my heart out in a journal or even just doodling on paper.  Which I do.  A LOT!  I love attempting the art of Hand Lettering, but I am not a creative person.  Sure, I can copy a design halfway decently – but to come up with my own design.  Yeah Right.  Not to mention, I SUCK AT WORDS.  They always fail me at the worst times.  I always have so much I want to say and to get out – but they words just fail me, and I always fear sounding like a complete idiot.

-         I love to read.  I like that I can dream up in my head what I think the characters or settings look and sound like.  How I can completely transport out of my real life and into the pages…  I get so wrapped up in the story and characters that I can get sad when they end and don’t want to say goodbye.  The dreaded book hangover.

-         I am OBSESSED with music.  And I mean OBSESSED.  No matter what I am doing, music needs to be on.  And I love it all.  (well most all of it).  I think indie/blue/soul tends to be my favorite.  I love the emotion and the feeling in it – and the emotions that it can make me feel.  I always want to share a song with someone in hopes that they can “feel” it like I do.  Even worshiping – I get much more out of the songs, than I do from a sermon/message.  Music is the language to my soul.

-         I love my boys and I love being a mom.  My heart can swell, and even break just looking at them.  I fail at so many level on being a mom – but those boys will never just understand what they are to me.  I lose my temper and raise my voice and get so frustrated way more than I should.  But they give me purpose.  And there are a lot of times they are the only reason that I kept going some days.  I wish I had a better relationship with them both.  I don’t know if the difference in their ages, or even the difference in MY age at the times I had them – but my relationship with them both is so different.  Of course one is an adult, and one is a child.  They are both great kids.  Seriously great.  Life has dealt both of them a shitty hand at times, and I haven’t always kept it together great for them – but they are my life line.  They are my purpose.  They are my heart.

-         I love my family.  Immediate and Extended.  And I have a great relationship with my whole family.  There is true unconditional love – and trust me – I have tested that.  A LOT!  I know I’m a lucky girl to have the parents, brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, third cousins, etc that I do.

I have made a lot of mistakes in life.  Some that I wish that I could undo – but then I might not be where I am right now.  

We all walk a different path in life.  We all face decisions, and make those decisions differently.  We don’t know what each other faces in this life.  Our deepest thoughts, dreams, wishes and fears.  

Sometimes I find myself just staring at someone (this embarrasses my friends sometimes) – but I’m absentmindedly staring at them and wondering what their life is really like.  If they are just putting on a brave face.  If they are happy, If they are sad.  What they are thinking right at that moment.

I don’t know why I am making this journal entry public and not just writing in my journal I’m on a journey this year.  To find me.  To find out who I am.  And to be the healthiest version of Leslie I can be.  Physically, Spiritually, Mentally and Financially.  Maybe it’s for the accountability.  I don’t know.  But that’s what’s on my mind tonight.